This post may come across as slightly passive-aggressive, as it will soon become evident that I have a lot of experience in this matter. I have been begrudgingly granting favors to the same person for many years now. In doing so, I have felt progressively more like a possession to this person with every passing year. This post is, in part, a means of steeling my resolve against my falsely perceived obligations.This post is also meant to serve as a guide for those of you who may feel similarly. All of us feel as if we have obligations to the people closest to us, and as such, we have a tendency to do things for others for the wrong reasons. We also have a tendency to callously request things from others because we often feel that, with any relationship, there is an accompanying list of requirements for said relationship. As stated in my last post, for various reasons, sometimes all a person is capable of considering is themselves, so this usually happens not as a result of premeditation or arrogance, but as a result of unintentional selfishness. None of us is an island, as the saying goes, and we all need help from time to time. As someone who herself needs the assistance of others every now and then, I'd like to discuss a few very obvious breaches of etiquette when enlisting the help of others.
The main thing to keep in mind when asking a favor of someone is the basic idea of a favor. A favor, naked and unmasked by circumstance, is a request for help. It is not a demand, it is not a form of bartering, it is not a form of payment. A fulfilled favor means that someone has performed an act for you out of kindness. That is it. If you ask for a favor with the belief that the person you are asking is in any way obligated to fulfill your request, you are going about it wrong.
I'm sure that you're asking yourself why a favor should entail so much consideration of this term. After all, isn't a favor supposed to benefit the recipient? Isn't that the point? And we all have free will, don't we? That means one can simply say "no" to a favor as easily as one could say "yes." Well, in theory that's true, but consider a few things: First, even if you swear to yourself that you don't give a flying rat's ass
what other people think of you, everyone does to a certain degree; people are hard-wired to please and seek the appreciation of others. Studies have shown that in many
circumstances, a mere compliment from an employer or some kind of
special recognition is worth more to employees than monetary
compensation. Second, people feel obligated to help others, and that deference to you as a human being should not be exploited. If you are phrasing your request as a demand, a form of repayment, even, you take for granted the idea of another person as an independent being; they have become a resource, an asset, not a person. You put someone in a position where they feel obligated to fulfill your request or run the risk of shunning you, which is not fair. You cannot take the attitude that a favor can be used as payment for something owed because it discourages collaboration for the sake of collaboration. It is a barrier to a society in which we do things for others simply because it is the right thing to do.
When I was younger, my mom would sometimes make use of the phrase "one hand washes the other." This made sense to me at the time. As a kid, the whole world is a reward-based system. That's how most of us learn. Kids don't understand why they should feel the need to do something that doesn't benefit them. But as I got older, I began to resent the phrase. I still remember the first time that hearing it upset me. We had gone camping for the weekend, and on the way home, we stopped for gas. The station had a soft-serve machine inside, and they had twist cones (half chocolate and half vanilla), which remains pretty much the greatest thing in the world to me. My mom obliged my request for a cone, and I remember happily slurping it on my way home, grateful to my mom for buying it and just feeling pretty special overall. By the time we got home, however, I was exhausted from the drive, from the weekend in the sun, and from swimming practically nonstop at the beach for two full days. My mom asked me to help her unload the car, and by this time, I was cranky and just wanted a bath and my bed. I whined a little and asked if we could do it tomorrow. And then came the dreaded phrase. Because I got ice cream, I was now obligated to help unload the heavy cooler and our bags. I felt betrayed. This was not mentioned when I got the ice cream. I also felt guilty for assuming that my mom should do something for me just because. So then, of course, I was on the hook, and I helped unload the car.
Do I blame my mom for this ice-cream-as-payment-scheme to this day? Of course not. I was just at a stage in my development where I was finally able to recognize the merits of helping someone for the sake of doing a good deed, and my mom was employing a strategy that I had never before questioned. How was she to know that her tactics had become unnecessary? That said, it planted a seed. I have had countless other experiences in the years since that day with people who use favors to barter, who remind you of all the things that they have done for you the minute they need something, and it grew into an inherent distrust of others. Does it give you pause when a stranger goes out of their way to do something thoughtful for you? Do you wonder what their angle is? I often do, and it's because I learned that good deeds done for you are held against you.
How, then, can we depend on others without infringing upon them? Maybe my previous point made it seem as if it is not morally permissible to ask anything of another person. Not so. This should be self-evident, but the attitude that you take when seeking aid from another makes all the difference in how that person feels about helping you, which is my central theme: Be considerate of others. Most of the time, if you phrase a request with even a modicum of diplomacy, you will get what you are looking for. If you articulate a plea as anything but, you may get the help you need in the short term, but you are cutting off a potentially valuable source of support in the future, and more importantly, a relationship that may be central to your well being. Do not take that lightly. So here is how you make a request (with key phrases underlined for those of you who are challenged by social conventions): "Hey Jeff, is there any way that you could please help me categorize my vast assortment of scratch-and-sniff stickers? Because reasons."
'Please' is of tantamount importance in phrasing any request; it has got to be one of the most important words in the English language, for that matter. It is so under-utilized that it makes me want to kill everyone at least a few times a day for neglecting it. Don't come up to me and tell me, "Hey, I'm gonna need you to [insert thing here]." That is a statement, not a request. You are only fit to make demands of me if I am willfully employed by you or if you are holding one of my cats hostage. I don't give a shit who you are otherwise. When you tell me "You need to," "You've got to," or "I'm gonna need" all I hear is "Jenkins, fetch my riding boots! The King has requested my audience forthwith!" Shut up, and I hate you.
Another requirement for asking a favor of someone is that you should furnish a reason for your request. Do not make the assumption that your request, devoid of explanation, should mean anything to another person. Obviously, if the denial of your plea will cause you to be severely injured, maimed, or result in the loss of your life, then this requirement is redundant. I'm not suggesting that you should have to appeal to morons. "Could you please stop stabbing me in the face? If you continue to do so, I'll die." If you provide someone with a reason as to why they should assist you, or what their assistance means to you, then they are much less likely to feel as if they have been taken advantage of. You are presenting an opportunity for them to discern whether or not their needs are greater than yours. This serves a dual purpose: for one, you are implicitly conveying to said person that you recognize them as also having priorities and free will, and for two, it is a way of figuring out how much you truly mean to that person.
There are a few other things that should go without saying: if you are requesting a favor, have the damn common decency to give adequate notice. If you for one second assume that your time is more valuable than that of someone else, then you are an asshole. If you deliberately obfuscate your request for a favor in order to blindside someone with it, then you deserve nothing but a slow, painful death. If you continue to ask people to get you out of the same mess that you create for yourself over and over, you may as well commit yourself (because that, dear reader, suggests insanity- or at the very least, an unwillingness to help yourself). And finally, unless the situation absolutely requires it, you DO NOT get to dictate exactly what time a favor will be done and by exactly what means it will be fulfilled. If someone is doing you a kindness, you should feel compelled to allow them to do it on their terms to the best of your abilities. No one owes you shit.
Just because a person does not grant you a favor, by the way, does not mean that they don't care about you. If your relationships with others are measured solely by what other people do for you, then you don't deserve the people in your life. Friendships are often forged by simple kindness. Repaying favors with favors, however, does not lend itself to a deeper commitment, but only to a basic barter system. If you cannot trust that another person is there for you simply because they care about you, then it is either because they are not truly your friend, or it is because you don't like yourself enough to believe that someone could care about you based upon your merits alone. And I truly believe that is the case with many of the relationships we have in our lives. How sad. Why else would so many friendships dwindle and end, why else is it so hard to depend on others? Because many of us are simply assets to another person, and the reverse is true, as well. We view ourselves as assets as much as we do the same to others.
There are a few relationships that, by explicit or implicit agreement, you have the right to assume that certain kindnesses will be paid to you. For instance, marriage vows are an example of an explicit agreement for how each party will conduct themselves in the relationship; having a child carries an implicit agreement that you will provide for the needs of that child to the best of your ability, that you will nurture it, and that you will, ideally, imbue it with the best traits of each parent. In turn, the child will then recognize his or her parents as an authority figures, so long as the previous parenting conditions are met. Granted, one can easily argue that any of these points can be disputed, and they certainly can. The guidelines for what one is owed by society are extremely vague. I genuinely believe that the world owes you nothing. There is a disparity, however, between what you are owed and what you deserve, and the latter is up to you to decide. Having the idea that someone owes you anything, save for the examples listed in the above relationships, is not only erroneous, but lazy. It takes the responsibility of becoming the type of person who others would want to be good to out of your own hands. You are entitled to virtually nothing. The onus is on you to conduct yourself in a manner befitting of someone who deserves the help of other people. You have every right to decide whether or not people are deserving of your love, your loyalty, your company, but no claim whatsoever for what they should be required to do for you outside of the confines of the above relationships. So try to solve your problems yourself, as often as you are able. Do not take for granted the willingness of others to help you, and certainly do not guilt people into helping you, lest you ostracize them. And finally, never take the kindness of others for granted. Do not become so reliant on others that they feel obligated to help you, do not become someone's chore or penance for some wrongdoing. Be the kind of person that people want to help because you deserve it.
Proof that I'm not completely talking out of my ass about...
The Value of a 'Thank You': http://payrollcompanyhr.biz/motivation/the-value-of-employee-recognition/
Ask and Ye Shall Receive: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201310/the-power-the-word-because-get-people-do-stuff
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