How to Conduct Yourself when Asking for a Favor

     This post may come across as slightly passive-aggressive, as it will soon become evident that I have a lot of experience in this matter. I have been begrudgingly granting favors to the same person for many years now. In doing so, I have felt progressively more like a possession to this person with every passing year. This post is, in part, a means of steeling my resolve against my falsely perceived obligations.This post is also meant to serve as a guide for those of you who may feel similarly. All of us feel as if we have obligations to the people closest to us, and as such, we have a tendency to do things for others for the wrong reasons. We also have a tendency to callously request things from others because we often feel that, with any relationship, there is an accompanying list of requirements for said relationship.  As stated in my last post, for various reasons, sometimes all a person is capable of considering is themselves, so this usually happens not as a result of premeditation or arrogance, but as a result of unintentional selfishness. None of us is an island, as the saying goes, and we all need help from time to time. As someone who herself needs the assistance of others every now and then, I'd like to discuss a few very obvious breaches of etiquette when enlisting the help of others.
      The main thing to keep in mind when asking a favor of someone is the basic idea of a favor. A favor, naked and unmasked by circumstance, is a request for help. It is not a demand, it is not a form of bartering, it is not a form of payment. A fulfilled favor means that someone has performed an act for you out of kindness. That is it. If you ask for a favor with the belief that the person you are asking is in any way obligated to fulfill your request, you are going about it wrong.
     I'm sure that you're asking yourself why a favor should entail so much consideration of this term. After all, isn't a favor supposed to benefit the recipient? Isn't that the point? And we all have free will, don't we? That means one can simply say "no" to a favor as easily as one could say "yes." Well, in theory that's true, but consider a few things: First, even if you swear to yourself that you don't give a flying rat's ass what other people think of you, everyone does to a certain degree; people are hard-wired to please and seek the appreciation of others.  Studies have shown that in many circumstances, a mere compliment from an employer or some kind of special recognition is worth more to employees than monetary compensation. Second, people feel obligated to help others, and that deference to you as a human being should not be exploited. If you are phrasing your request as a demand, a form of repayment, even, you take for granted the idea of another person as an independent being; they have become a resource, an asset, not a person. You put someone in a position where they feel obligated to fulfill your request or run the risk of shunning you, which is not fair. You cannot take the attitude that a favor can be used as payment for something owed because it discourages collaboration for the sake of collaboration. It is a barrier to a society in which we do things for others simply because it is the right thing to do.
     When I was younger, my mom would sometimes make use of the phrase "one hand washes the other." This made sense to me at the time. As a kid, the whole world is a reward-based system. That's how most of us learn. Kids don't understand why they should feel the need to do something that doesn't benefit them. But as I got older, I began to resent the phrase. I still remember the first time that hearing it upset me. We had gone camping for the weekend, and on the way home, we stopped for gas. The station had a soft-serve machine inside, and they had twist cones (half chocolate and half vanilla), which remains pretty much the greatest thing in the world to me. My mom obliged my request for a cone, and I remember happily slurping it on my way home, grateful to my mom for buying it and just feeling pretty special overall. By the time we got home, however, I was exhausted from the drive, from the weekend in the sun, and from swimming practically nonstop at the beach for two full days. My mom asked me to help her unload the car, and by this time, I was cranky and just wanted a bath and my bed. I whined a little and asked if we could do it tomorrow. And then came the dreaded phrase. Because I got ice cream, I was now obligated to help unload the heavy cooler and our bags. I felt betrayed. This was not mentioned when I got the ice cream. I also felt guilty for assuming that my mom should do something for me just because. So then, of course, I was on the hook, and I helped unload the car.
      Do I blame my mom for this ice-cream-as-payment-scheme to this day? Of course not. I was just at a stage in my development where I was finally able to recognize the merits of helping someone for the sake of doing a good deed, and my mom was employing a strategy that I had never before questioned. How was she to know that her tactics had become unnecessary? That said, it planted a seed. I have had countless other experiences in the years since that day with people who use favors to barter, who remind you of all the things that they have done for you the minute they need something, and it grew into an inherent distrust of others. Does it give you pause when a stranger goes out of their way to do something thoughtful for you? Do you wonder what their angle is? I often do, and it's because I learned that good deeds done for you are held against you.
      How, then, can we depend on others without infringing upon them? Maybe my previous point made it seem as if it is not morally permissible to ask anything of another person. Not so. This should be self-evident, but the attitude that you take when seeking aid from another makes all the difference in how that person feels about helping you, which is my central theme: Be considerate of others. Most of the time, if you phrase a request with even a modicum of diplomacy, you will get what you are looking for. If you articulate a plea as anything but, you may get the help you need in the short term, but you are cutting off a potentially valuable source of support in the future, and more importantly, a relationship that may be central to your well being. Do not take that lightly. So here is how you make a request (with key phrases underlined for those of you who are challenged by social conventions): "Hey Jeff, is there any way that you could please help me categorize my vast assortment of scratch-and-sniff stickers? Because reasons."
     'Please' is of tantamount importance in phrasing any request; it has got to be one of the most important words in the English language, for that matter. It is so under-utilized that it makes me want to kill everyone at least a few times a day for neglecting it. Don't come up to me and tell me, "Hey, I'm gonna need you to [insert thing here]." That is a statement, not a request. You are only fit to make demands of me if I am willfully employed by you or if you are holding one of my cats hostage. I don't give a shit who you are otherwise. When you tell me "You need to," "You've got to," or "I'm gonna need" all I hear is "Jenkins, fetch my riding boots! The King has requested my audience forthwith!" Shut up, and I hate you.
      Another requirement for asking a favor of someone is that you should furnish a reason for your request. Do not make the assumption that your request, devoid of explanation, should mean anything to another person. Obviously, if the denial of your plea will cause you to be severely injured, maimed, or result in the loss of your life, then this requirement is redundant. I'm not suggesting that you should have to appeal to morons. "Could you please stop stabbing me in the face? If you continue to do so, I'll die." If you provide someone with a reason as to why they should assist you, or what their assistance means to you, then they are much less likely to feel as if they have been taken advantage of. You are presenting an opportunity for them to discern whether or not their needs are greater than yours. This serves a dual purpose: for one, you are implicitly conveying to said person that you recognize them as also having priorities and free will, and for two, it is a way of figuring out how much you truly mean to that person.
       There are a few other things that should go without saying: if you are requesting a favor, have the damn common decency to give adequate notice. If you for one second assume that your time is more valuable than that of someone else, then you are an asshole. If you deliberately obfuscate your request for a favor in order to blindside someone with it, then you deserve nothing but a slow, painful death. If you continue to ask people to get you out of the same mess that you create for yourself over and over, you may as well commit yourself (because that, dear reader, suggests insanity- or at the very least, an unwillingness to help yourself). And finally, unless the situation absolutely requires it, you DO NOT get to dictate exactly what time a favor will be done and by exactly what means it will be fulfilled. If someone is doing you a kindness, you should feel compelled to allow them to do it on their terms to the best of your abilities. No one owes you shit.
      Just because a person does not grant you a favor, by the way, does not mean that they don't care about you. If your relationships with others are measured solely by what other people do for you, then you don't deserve the people in your life. Friendships are often forged by simple kindness. Repaying favors with favors, however, does not lend itself to a deeper commitment, but only to a basic barter system. If you cannot trust that another person is there for you simply because they care about you, then it is either because they are not truly your friend, or it is because you don't like yourself enough to believe that someone could care about you based upon your merits alone. And I truly believe that is the case with many of the relationships we have in our lives. How sad.  Why else would so many friendships dwindle and end, why else is it so hard to depend on others? Because many of us are simply assets to another person, and the reverse is true, as well. We view ourselves as assets as much as we do the same to others.
     There are a few relationships that, by explicit or implicit agreement, you have the right to assume that certain kindnesses will be paid to you. For instance, marriage vows are an example of an explicit agreement for how each party will conduct themselves in the relationship; having a child carries an implicit agreement that you will provide for the needs of that child to the best of your ability, that you will nurture it, and that you will, ideally, imbue it with the best traits of each parent. In turn, the child will then recognize his or her parents as an authority figures, so long as the previous parenting conditions are met. Granted, one can easily argue that any of these points can be disputed, and they certainly can. The guidelines for what one is owed by society are extremely vague. I genuinely believe that the world owes you nothing. There is a disparity, however, between what you are owed and what you deserve, and the latter is up to you to decide. Having the idea that someone owes you anything, save for the examples listed in the above relationships, is not only erroneous, but lazy. It takes the responsibility of becoming the type of person who others would want to be good to out of your own hands. You are entitled to virtually nothing. The onus is on you to conduct yourself in a manner befitting of someone who deserves the help of other people. You have every right to decide whether or not people are deserving of your love, your loyalty, your company, but no claim whatsoever for what they should be required to do for you outside of the confines of the above relationships. So try to solve your problems yourself, as often as you are able. Do not take for granted the willingness of others to help you, and certainly do not guilt people into helping you, lest you ostracize them. And finally, never take the kindness of others for granted. Do not become so reliant on others that they feel obligated to help you, do not become someone's chore or penance for some wrongdoing. Be the kind of person that people want to help because you deserve it.


Proof that I'm not completely talking out of my ass about...

 The Value of a 'Thank You': http://payrollcompanyhr.biz/motivation/the-value-of-employee-recognition/

Ask and Ye Shall Receive: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/brain-wise/201310/the-power-the-word-because-get-people-do-stuff






    

How to Conduct Yourself When You are at an Emergency Veterinary Hospital

     I know (and dare I say, hope?) that this article is going to be redundant for most of you. I know, deep down, that most people are normally rational, sane, and considerate, but I also know that people are entangled, distracted, and engrossed by their day-to-day lives. As it is, most of us have several different roles to play, and sometimes those roles in life contradict one another so much that the transition from one role to another alone causes our synapses to delay for a moment or two- it's a complicated process. That said, it is inevitable that we will unintentionally tread on one another's toes from time to time simply because, as a rule, human beings are always engaged with one thing or another. When we are unencumbered, matters of basic etiquette are a complete no-brainer. I'm sure that I can safely assume that you are fairly unburdened with tasks at the moment if you are reading this, so my apologies if this seems obvious to you. The goal of this post, and of this whole blog at the moment, is to call attention to the rude things that we do to one another simply because we're not paying attention. I genuinely feel that if we, as a society, are even slightly more mindful of how our actions affect others, the world will be a nicer place to be.
     High ambitions, you might think, for someone who likes to say "fuck" as much as I do, but that's a blog post for another time. I just want to get across here that I'm not trying to talk down to any of you. I'm not trying to pretend that I can't be just as careless as the next guy from time to time. This is something we all face, so I'd like to make this blog approachable; I'm not going to speak to you as if you are my boss, my new neighbor, or as anyone who I would have to censor myself with. For the purposes of this blog, whoever you are, wherever you are, you are my friend, and I will talk to you as such. Bottom line, I like curse words, and if you ever want to know if I'm lying about a subject that I'm passionate about, count how many vulgarities I've used in my diatribe; if it's fewer than 3, chances are, I'm bullshitting you. Immediately disregard whatever the hell I was just talking about in that circumstance. 
     Now that we've gotten the "Getting to Know You" topic covered, let's get down to the main purpose of this article. As some of you may know, my boyfriend Matt and I recently had to have our rat, Molly, put to sleep due to an incurable illness. If you can't put yourself in the position of loving a pet rat, then by all means, pretend she was a puppy. I'm not here to try to convince you about the merits of pet rats. That said, it was not an easy decision to make, and we really didn't want to let her go, but it was more than apparent that the time had come after we got off work one night. We spent some time with her and said our goodbyes before heading off to the Calumet emergency vet hospital. It was really hard. It sucked, in fact. So understandably, (and again, if you don't understand, just think 'puppy,') we were distraught. We were sobbing, our eyes red and swollen, our spirits broken. We were greeted solemnly and compassionately by the staff and set to work on the Consent to Perform Euthanasia Form. As we did so, the tech behind the counter was asking us questions about Molly, for the dual purpose of showing compassion for our impending loss as well as to gather necessary information for her files. As this was going on, Matt had retreated into himself and was occupied with his own thoughts, while I was trying to focus on the task at hand by speaking with the tech, each of us working through our sorrow in our own way. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man curiously eyeing us and our miniature, jaunty-looking pet carrier.  From what I could glean at that moment, despite his obvious (and understandable) curiosity, the man was either very worried about the state of his pet, mildly intellectually disabled, or moderately drunk.
     Either way, the man gave a brief pause before approaching us, then promptly discarded any semblance of convention or common decency by blurting "Whachoo got in there?" whilst pressing his nose against Molly's carrier- all while I was still filling out the form that would essentially be my pet's death sentence. Keep in mind, this was a pet who was suffering and dying as we spoke. She was in a strange place with smells and people that she did not recognize, and she was trapped within the confines of her carrier, making it so that she could not get away from this stranger she knew nothing about, whether his intentions toward her were for good or ill. This is akin, in my mind, to aimlessly walking around a hospital until you find the room of an Alzheimer's patient, entering the room, and shoving the nearest cylindrical object up said patient's nose to see what they'll do. The man then made small talk, asking questions about owning a rat and how we interacted with her. The content of our conversation eliminated the possibility that the man was in any way handicapped. I am still unsure as to whether he was just an inveterate drinker whose few remaining brain cells were simply not enough for him to express or even understand empathy, or if he was, in fact, blind drunk at the moment. 
     All of these things aside, I could have dismissed his transgressions were we not at a goddamned emergency pet hospital. What part of Emergency Hospital implies casual social interaction? What should prompt a person to look into the tear-streaked faces of complete strangers and think, "What a good time to strike up a conversation!" Fucking nothing, you stupid twat, that's what. Keep in mind that one of the first things we had said to the man was that we were there to have our pet's life terminated. At that point, even if you don't feel a damn thing for the people you're talking to, or their pet, you put on your best frowny face, say something trite and generic like, "I'm so sorry to hear that" and move on.
      But this man was apparently as tenacious in his desire for banal discourse as he was oblivious. He continued to converse with us as we finished up the paperwork and spoke with the tech about how the procedure would be carried out- she would be allowed to remain in her carrier which would then be placed inside a sealed enclosure. The enclosure, and subsequently, her carrier (which was a comfortable and familiar environment due to her many vet trips), would fill with a gas which would make her feel relaxed and euphoric at first and would then make her fall into a deep sleep, at which time, the euthanasia agent, which was also a gas, would effectively end her life. As we said goodbye one more time and handed her over to the tech, the man watched us cry for a moment before looking at Matt and remarking, "Boy, he's really upset, huh?"
     Let me simplify this situation for anyone who may not have been able to follow my somewhat winding narrative: man watches us spend last few moments with our pet, has no idea who we are, sees our hearts break and intrudes upon what should have been a very private moment. Incredulously observes aloud to the entire waiting room that we are mourning. If there were ever a *drops mic* moment in my life, that should have been it. If it had been the most important thing to me at the time, I would have verbally eviscerated that brainless motherfucker in the amount of time that it had apparently taken him to decide to encroach upon us in the first place.
      Because he didn't think. Because our situation was, in his mind, secondary to his own (I should add that his dog was totally fine after minor treatment). Not because he meant harm, or because he meant to treat us callously, but because he was too wrapped up in his own situation to consider how his actions might have affected other people. And that, my friends, is the crux of my argument. We all have things that we are carrying around. Not one of us breezes through this life without emotional scars. Our pain reminds us that we are united, so a life without troubles would be a lonely one, indeed. Our pain reminds us that we are alive, of how short and precious those lives are. So be good to yourselves, and be good to others. You may have your engagements, your requirements, your troubles, but that does not allow you to justify unkind or otherwise rude actions taken against another.
     In closing, I'd like to leave you with a video of my rat, Badger, because rats are awesome, and Badger was awesome.